Welcome to my website
James Howard 2019
06 / 10 / 2019
what other people think is their business, so dont get caught in the cycle of trying to make people happy or get their acceptance, because also, some people can take advantage of good people who have this quality. If people focus on you and say negative things, then it is not a reflection of you, but it is a reflection of them.
05 / 10 / 2019
04 / 10 / 2019
When some demon surfaces out of what you think is a solid floor, almost like a reflection or the light bouncing in a way that takes its shape, you feel it like a provocation. Anxiety has taught me that its never OK to rise to a provocation, and ends in any number of unpredictable ways. Fight or flight is suggestive that there are only two options, but there are always more. Dont get sucked in by the old demon, because it is just old-world stuff. Animals inside us, and animals outside in the world - learn from how tempting it is to be an animal, and then try being something else, we can look down on animals, but no comprehension of what is up, so that is where I want to go.
02 / 10 / 2019
Breaking the cycle of habits in my life can be hard, starting with health - draining alcohol away almost three years ago, then being faced with the most painful creative dry patch. Unable to make the same desisions I used to about making artwork. So I started again back at where I left off when I had begun the slow descent into alcohol - just before I started to be an was an alcoholic 18 years ago, back when I was painting red paintings with my hands and a black biro. Gone back to those days and started doing thiose paintings again. Something crazy happened - this website too another turn and it was this diary, then I got therapy for anxiety, and finished the therapy, and along the way I started YouTube - and I want to share it now. I put a few up here at a time, but all thirty or so videos are available on the Youtube channel. I love that the red painting is out there in the background, rather than just here at home above the couch.
30 / 08 / 19
There is an illusion that the path we take in life forks in two as we make a choice to do something or not do it. Things can be any combination of directions or choices, and what might seem like the wrong choice can lead to something that feels right eventually, revolving back into the light, and then suddenly snapping back to the shadow, before resting somewhere in the middle. Light is cast over the same landscape that was only just bathed in dark, rocks move by themselves given enough time.
14 / 08 / 19
I suddenly realised that the people who want to use others to make themselves feel better are suffering from a poison which itself came from other poisoned people, which also came from infection by other poisoned people. The temptation is to attack or defend against these people when they bprovoke, but the solution which works every time is to silently forgive them in your mind. They are suffering from this toxic affliction and the nature of the illness is to cough and splutter out cruel things to others, they really are not able to control their jerky movements as they spread the toxic poison. So how to imunise against this infection? step away, do not engage at all, forgive them because they are suffering and cannot help their coughing. How does it feel now without them in your life? is it like a wonderful escape?!
28 / 07 / 19
Sometimes There is a total dead end and so hard gathering the energy to even open the lids of the eyes. The future is so far away and such a climb to even reach the next moment. It will pass and suddenly will be out of the clouds and in clear sky. Nothing is divided down the middle into true or false, yes or no - there is always the third option to rise away from the duality of day and night and into a full flood light of a burning star. When you take the third option and rise away, you can understand that your worry is the only thing holding you down.
23 / 07 /19
A real exorcism has happened. This demon was so deep inside that I didnt even know it was still there and how much control it had on me. Suddenly the door flew open and I was just so overcome as it came into view. The creature was there since I was a child, maybe the day I looked at the sun too long and couldnt tear my eyes away from its surface. Thats maybe when the creature had full control for the first time - trying to blind me with the light of day. Always daring me to do things, no matter how small, ticks, starts, all had to be done as a pay-off to it to stop terrible things happening. That creature came into view recently, and its power went away.When I was a child it was called "Gumma". I felt weak for the rest of the day after it had been driven away that morning, still jogged home, and on the jog I had three fantastic euphoric tingling rushes. Decided to eat more healthy foods again.
07 / 07 / 19
If you find that worry can come crashing over you suddenly then you will know how distructive the ensuing fight can be as you try to regain control of the world around you and search for stable ground to tread on. The pain that you try to fight against will often fade faster if you let it strike you full force and dont run from it or fight it, but rather, endure it, knowing that like pain from a physical injury, it will fade quickly if you let it rush through you and drain away naturally. As the pain subsides, you can even harness some of that power that you would have used to fight it. Focus on it, bring it to the surface in full view, bathe it in the daylight and watch it shrink away
29 / 06 / 19
Dangerous feedback loops between thinking and acting often appear between worrying about something, and then acting in a way to prevent that event occurring - this initiates a downward spiral into confusion, fear, doubt, regret and any exhausting combination of those draining thought processes. When there is an undesirable scenario you feel certain to be true, you must remember to always leap away towards the hidden second scenario - that you are simply worrying about the first. Then, when you realise that it is the worry itself that is the problem, you can act in a way that dilutes the worry until it fades completely clear - one toxic particle every thousand miles, high in the outer stratosphere. Never let rumination or worry control the way you act. Do not react to worry or imagination. instead Use imagination to act - to create. Side-step and soar above any obstacles.
24 / 06 / 19
Leaves, small groups of buds among the leaves, darker areas in shade, lush green, thick foliage, sound of many leaves touching eachother, a breeze, pattern of veins on a leaf, five sharp points, some more points inbetween, the veins meeting in the middle going along the stem, light on some of the leaves is the same as the cloudy white of the sky, waxy surface.
23 / 06 / 19
There is an abstract process of weighing happening all the time in life - a "greying" between dark and light, balance is a result of this greying process. Moments of peace, equal matches, imiscible liquids in equal measure spun quickly, in constant flux. Some people drink guiness mixed with lager to keep the hot and cold cancelled out so as not to burn or freeze the spirit of the body. harmony of bird song makes the singers spread evenly over a geographical area. That selfish instruction underneath demands such a harmony from all the surface life-types that abstract out of it. To colonise is to process resources for growth, the selfish instruction is one thing, slight alterations down there have massive implications at our scale, but despite its diversity at our scale, life is one thing. The folding and folding of complexity is a way it burrows deeper into its surrounding, intelligent all the way down, this is true intelligence and self awareness by the universe itself, a grabbing, scrabbling in the dark by the selfish instruction. Sensing, blindly feeling for what is there, sliding all over itself as it changes on every scale, appendages forming, sense, sight, cannibalising. Animals hunting animals up there on the surface, down below the selfish instruction continues, with an interest in all the surface forms it takes. Everything up there fights to survive in the environment, but the selfish instruction is in all of them, and their struggle is not its struggle because it is in all of them and it will succeed if life covers a planet, even if it it totally cannibalises itself in the process. In a romantic interpretation you could think it is the universe experiencing itself. Similar patterns happen up at the surface in the animal world - over production in order to pass on one instruction; a slimy brood of frogs eggs, billions of sperm, a litter of 6 kittens, 8 hungry piglets, a cloud of sea-horse young, etc etc.
22 / 06 / 19
How to construct a machine in there to guide you away from unwanted thoughts? That powerful imagination can be put to work in order to change itself and have a positive affect on you and your outside world. You are outside and inside worlds afterall, the only thing which distinguishes them is your imagination, which is inside itself - a paradox. Go on, begin to trace the paths in there that lead from inside to outside, the thoughts which drive you to act - those ideas which come to the surface and decide to do something in the outside. Breathing - that moment when you decide to take control of a breath, it is as though you take control of that movemnt away from your body and thought takes control. You have experienced a pathway between inside and outside. Other thoughts that make you act? An unwanted anxious thought telling you to make an excuse and run from a social situation. In this case, the anxious thought must be disobeyed because anxiety never works for you, only for itself, it wants to trip you over and make you weaker so it can be stronger. When you do something on the outside based on anxiety happening on the inside, you are feeding it, and it comes back a little stronger and more greedy every time. So what to do when that voice howls at you to stand up and run away? You must do precisely the opposite of whatever it says. It will thrash around and try any number of games to make you feed it, but eventually it will run out of power.
21 / 06 / 19
Crystal structures appeared again in the half-asleep state, like a honeycomb over everything in the dark of the room. Must have been projected from inside, but strange because how they glowed golden yellow and so sharp and geometric and real - also strangely organic and familliar how a kaleidoscope can seem all enveloping and comforting. What about these crystal forms as a kind of sub process of life? Like DNA is life, but not the part of it we see at this scale, even though this `scale` is actually floating atop DNA, and our actions strangely related to DNA`s selfishness through pleasures, fears, pain, wanting, instincts. How does any conceivable action by an animal or a plant relate back down to the tiny reproctive desires of DNA strands, if you care to, you will find endless links between human action and a deeper motivation calling up from the dark passages underneith at the nano scale.
18 / 06 / 19
A worm burrows through whatever soil is soft enough for its burrowing process, soil-determined movement and processing. Harder soil and rocks are avoided - but avaidance is still a guiding force. The soft earth goes in one end and comes out the other after a kind of eating - a mineral extraction and secretion. Given enough time, worms will completely change the soil they inhabit, multiplying in numbers and changing the nature of their environment.
Shifting focus, burrowing through, extracting resources, mixing thoughts together, leaving traces, pathways between one thought and the next - sometimes digging out a seemingly inescaqpable loop. The compacted ground or rocks are not ofinterest for very long because they cannot be chewed - those things include the unconscious breath, the beating heart, the production of sex, the growth of hair, the sweat, the movement of the bowel. Such things demand action by thought, but only in order to guide their absolutely unavoidable happening to land at a happy and clear moment,rather than one that causes some blockage to living. Can the thought loop can be escaped by a kind of eating your way out through a soft thought, without tackling hard ones - like becoming water to passthrough the cracks rather than trying to break the rock.
11 / 06 / 19
When things repeat or pulse, they become knowable - their presence is affirmed and reaffirmed by that pulse. Like the striped colours of a wasp, or the flashing strobe of day and night as the planet spins. Moods come and go and return again - it is their repetition that allows us to identify them or name them. anything that comes in waves, zig-zags, loops, vortex, whirlpools. spinning on and on, patterns naturally forming, impacting other patterns, leaving a trace through time, laying a channel, a code, which others follow and reincforce. Taken out of context these flashes can be quite powerful, their solo repetition, away from all the other things that make them part of a larger world experience. Beating, banging. Good feeling, bad feeling. Struggle to stay above water, dragged down, then up again. Currents drag you down and then up again, gulp in air, then back down. Sandy beach, sun shining, but the monsoon always comes at 3pm fast over the mountain and the sky goes black for an hour as the rain hits the leaves like a drum. Water evaporates quickly, then fast to nightfall and the dogs fight down by the beach again. Then start agin. We are like the collection of all those things through time and space - always made of different parts, and part of the surroundings - wouldnt be anything without the mountain, or without the water, the repetition of all those.
01 / 06 / 19
Tension in the middle, somewhere between inside and outside. But the sufferer of anxiety feels this tension quite commonly, so much so that it becomes a habit, and when there is nothing to worry about inside or outside, that tension in the middle is well exersied and bulges into both dimensions, bridging spirit and outside. That same sunken-hearted feeling that the alcoholic knows as a thirst. Anyone who has felt this slow sinking of the body-core into itself will know that one way to cancel it out is to do the thing that it demands - to give in to an uninvited thought, or throw on yesterdays clothes and buy alcohol again, or reach for the telephone and slide into youtube for a few hours until your eyes become tired and the room darkens without your noticing, or any miserable combination of those things and others. In general though, there is a way out from such vortex behaviours, but only worthwhile if they are repeating and causing you boredom - there is nothing wrong with giving in to wild thoughts from time to time, or living the fabulous drunk life, or enjoying focussed research on a smart phone every day - so long as it is not vacuous or dull. The moment it is, stop and never go back, because you have the taste for the zone inbetween spirit and outside world, and will always now find comfort in the void. What you can do of course, is dip in to this black hole, from a safe distance. Give a voice to the thoughts, allow them to live inside and out, write, make art, learn how to destroy *to make, follow every path you wouldnt otherwise follow and see where it leads, but always leave a time limit or a trail of breadcrumbs to lead you back out again. That tension, that thirst, is a unique thing - can be worn proudly like a charm to bring the owner good luck - it is the only thing I can think of that solidly bridges the inside and outside - spirit and outside world. In fact, maybe it is the proof that there is no inside or outside because they are already inherently connected - just that connection is invisible in most, but in some it howls from both ends.
31 / 05 / 19
What more proof do you need that things are right than the most animal release of pleasure. It`s totally different to anything synthetic - just a pure feeling of something confusing / alarnming even, as your hair stands up all over your body and you can only compredend thjat it is a good feeling - only because the things that combine in the world to form you are all bouncing off eachother, making electricity and calling out with joy. When something is good in that way, when things are going "in the right direction" and you just know it and can only observe with no control, when that happens, it means that your body is being held together by all the forces that make it up, -bonds being strenthened. When it is being torn apart, even slightly, then the feeling will be equally instinctual, a very sad feeling coming from somewhere beyond your comprehension.
29 / 05 / 19
How can you divert some of that energy used up in the feverish moments of looping thoughts? Reach into the thought and feel around it, work it around until it takes a place sufficiently that you could speak it if you wanted to. Is there a space in that thought - and architecture? Does the phantom manifest in a place you know or once knew? What happens if you put yourself in that space and walk around a while, take it in, without the scenes of the rest of the uninvited thought playing out. You must take every bit of new substance from these unwanted thoughts as you can - let each strand run through your fingers and untangle each element of the thought - architecture, feeling of space, temperature, the time of day, the light, the people who ocupy the thought, the objects involved. Each part has been created without your conscious being involved, and it is that kind of creation which can give you a surprise - you did it, but at the same time you didnt. That unconscious creativity is full of `new`, so dive in to your anxious looping unwanted thoughts and cut them apart, take each part of them and live them again, grab at them and plug them into the outside - and see what kind of electricity flows through.
28 / 05 / 19
Anxiety and creativity made me stop and think today. The feeling that you will be judged is common in the sufferer of anxiety, so an artist could be quite aware of the eyes of others on their work, and might hear an echo of their critical voice coming back to the presenbt from far into the future, before even having made a piece of artwork. Every small interaction remembered in the past has consequences in the creative movement of time,( most intensely registered during criticism **at art school, exhibition openings, discussion), These events of the past tend to be regurgitated and chewed on over and over again in the mind - in that case, should be spat out. They hold a strong power to guide the movement of the hand, or the decision making process of the artist, before he has even begun to make something. It is in this way that taking any time to try to think about critisicm, or for that matter, to keep tending to a garden of anxious thoughts, can set in motion an influence of the future - criticism itself is a manipulation, a way to alter the future of a creative process, to inject some DNA whether it is wanted or not.
25 / 05 / 19
Can you hear the sound of your own voice when you speak? Why is it uncomfortable to hear your voice back on tape and see your own behaviour in a video? You can pick out habits and repetetive behaviours, and in some cases be over critical of yourself untill it ties you up inside *in your mental insides and your physical insides as it ties up your thoughts and knots up your asophegus. These kind of blockages are good to explore from time-to-time - in moments under control conditions. Try it. Try to prevent the flow of the world in one end and out the other - severing the moving-through-time daisy-chain of liquids, solids, comunication, oxygen, thoughts, desire, which actually constitute you, (not just feed you.) make a blockage, so that the world piles up at the intersection. that is what true starvation is, one of the spirit, and one that makes you go to bed while the sun shines outside, but finding only restlesses in there under the sheets.
In the real world these blocks can stifle you if you don't know how to stop them forming. Whatever form the blockage takes, it will try to trick you, as it piles up in hideous mix of faces of friends, strangers on the train, people from past and future - the visions it produces tell you to do precisely the opposite thing from that which you should, and that is how it sustains itself. If it yells at you to hide away, then you must be seen. If you hear "I am worthless" then know that you are not. "I am not good enough" then know that you are. "The power of the opposite" is a way to starve the creatures that come from the blockage, divert the energy of the world back into your form - reconnect those things consitute you again. no more stumbling around in the shadows under the weight of a giant parasite - unplug it from the place where your inside and outside meet - it attaches itself at the intersection ( 18 / 05 / 19). Like a tick finding blood beneath the skin, and forcing through, so the creatures of blockage find the thinnest membrane to feed through - filling the inside with their distorted visions.
18 / 05 / 19
How to switch attention from inside to outside? How to focus energy on something outside, without concentrating, no effort, no work, just letting my attention fall easily onto it. Just go with the outside..
The inside is full of theory, endless maps scribbled over and over eachother, plotting out of any number of possible routes to take, insurance documents - premiums paid in advance of all forseeable bad outcomes. The outside though, if you can just shift focus to there, is a place of actual events and things, instead of tangled imagined maps. The way to live outside yourself is to explore everything new, to trace the routes you take as you hurl yourself forward. The unknown is a fearsome thing from the inside, but on the ouside it is a side step away from "un-known" *"unknown" suggests the aproach of the known, and the absense of it - which is anxiety-causing. The outside is the actual-world in full focus, effortless, as the elements and energies that make up the world flow together and are known at their intersections, simply by intersecting. Then clarity again, that we are intersections of these energies and elements.
17 / 05 / 19
Safety behaviours. They are actions that the sufferer of anxiety feels compelled to carry out in order to reduce anxiety. It appears that the safety behaviour serves to exascerbate the anxiety and although providing a momentary feeling of safety, they serve to reinforce the core processes at work in the anxiety itself. By reacting to a percieved phantom danger, you acknowledge that the danger exisists in reality *having carried out real world actions to counter it - these actions are like spell-casting. They summon the demons of anxiety from the un-real into the real - like spells, safety behaviours can be cast using any imaginable combination of actions , often delivered habitually and with increasing complexity. Counter intuitively though, these behaviours are causing the very problem that they are percieved to be helping. Like the eternal loop of the chronic alcoholic, curing their hangover with a day of drinking. A dog who bites his own tail. How does the sufferer of anxiety stop trying to kill the anxiety? It relates to what I explored in my entry of th 07 / 05 / 19 - through action, rather than re-action. Key is not to acknowledgethe fire by trying to put it out, which in itself is a hugely draining and traumatic process. Instead simply walk away - the fire will burn out by itself.
16 / / 05 / 19
Stress is the same as ticks but happening at a much slower and drawn out pace. Both demand mental and physical patterns of behaviour in the present in order to prevent a percieved catastophy from occurring in the future. Different to the tick, the pressure of stress is a drip-feeding over time, resulting in uncomfortable feelings of anxiety which demand a salv behaviour of worry, cyclical thinking, or problem solving. Pessure is the point where the outisde and inside, future and past meet. It is also on this intersection that we find ourselves, at the meeting point of everything around a moment in time *like a whirlpool in a river, made up of currents and water and air and ground, but at the same time made of nothing. All these intersections that make us up are bundles of energy flows which can be harvested by those who know how to manipulate and divert these forces for their own means - people are intersections of forces and energies, and just like intersections of forces and energies in nature - fires or rivers or thermal vents, organisms naturally position themselves in a way as to divert some of that energy to their own use. Stress is the pressure of being stifled by these organisms *or organisations, as they divert energy from intersecting naturally with other forces, resulting in high tension at the point of intersection - the stress is felt by the host. The value to the organisations of this stress is that it manifests as fear of future catastrophy within the host, maintaining a balance of power - simultaneously distracting from the parasitic mechansim of harvesting energy, and keeping the host under control.
This is opposed to the pressure of the tick, which I described before - it cannot be manipulated by such an organision in the present. Rather, the tick is located in the future, its mode is to reach back from there and force the action in the present.
13 / 05 / 19
I will, explore "strong biology" (mentioned in my 8 / 5 / 19 entry)
Strong biology is in people and some people have it more than others. It cannot be in language or in pictures, only hinted at if you have already felt it. It has to be in the action. In a way, the people who have less of it are either not in tune to the dimension it exists in, or they are very good at hiding it. Being very concerned with social norms would make you want to hide strong biology acts for example. The strong biology behaviour seems to pre-exist in the spectrum of possible things we can do - however these satisfying behaviours would be the same regardless of time - going back all the way to ancient man and even apes. It is most visible in actions which may appear to have no social function or reason. Squatting, humming, pulling a long grammace or gurning expression (enough to slide in a slippery and prolonged way away from the human face) - These contemplative actions open up a hole which we put our heads into and surround ourselves with the slime of strong biology. These slow actions of are a complete other dimension to the every day life. What is the difference with a tick and the strong biology? A tick or start, which can shatter the human training in an instant, but crucially only for an instant, is a stabbing attack on the face, or language, or social behaviour, by the behaviour itself. It is human social training attacking and cannibilising itslef from the future. The obsessive compulsive release. Always counting, fearful of the unknown catastrophy if the count is not begun in good intention, if the tick is not performed to allow the tick to call itself into existance from the future, and to be unable to resist for another instant. There is comfort in both the strong lingering biology actions, and the stabbing tick. One is a feeling of thrusting your whole being slowly into umbilical fluid, in a swamp of primordial spawn. The other is comfort in knowing that you are being called upon from the future by a parasitic action which as its mode of operation makes you visibly shatter your facade of being culturally human. Its possible that both the strong biology and the tick are spread from host to host by their visibility - who has not felt the compulsion to mimick the distortion of the face or twitching of the obsessive compulsive - totry it once when no one is looking? What is strong biology? It is when you catch someone looking aimlessly away as they are deeply lost in the smell of their finger as it sits on their upturned top lip - that medative place they are in is a strong biology place, the smell of a sneeze, the feeling of squatting, groaning, and the action itself is the signal of the existance of a beyond. You see it and you want to do it, even just a little - in private so not to be judged or embarrassed - anxiety pushes us away from strong biology and ticks. But is it pushing us away from a place we have aright to go as monkeys do?, in the form of a manipulation by the social-normal construct.
08 / 05 / 19
Worry grabbed me somewhere in the middle of my chest where I imagine the diaphragm is found. It is a strong feeling that the body is feeling pain and sending a warning shot to my mind, adrenaline is trickling out and I am in a constant state of tension as a result. Trying to get to the bottom of the anxiety and I am struck that it is not really about one particular thing, but more about people attached to those things or activities. This is something I want to explore further, how a person can somehow be attached to an activity or place or substance, and then thinking about doing that thing opens up a direct line of sight to that person and all their furious energy flows in and grabs you by the heart. That kind of stress is like an internal wound that you cant feel, but your body goes into shock anyway. How can people discolour activities and objects so powerfully?
It reminds me of the tranference quality of milk. Somehow anyone who handed me a bottle of milk when I was a child had imbued the liquid with something of themselves, in some cases it was too strong a feeling and I couldnt drink the milk - not even a drop. It was as though the milk had taken on some of their character or biology - spirit I suppose. On one occasion even opening the bottle was impossible because the girl who had handed it to me had quite a strong biology, and somehow that feeling of being biological was mixing or breeding with the milk's own biology. Milk is already powerful, regardless of its transference ability *I even knew this as a child - it exists strongly in time, made by life to propell life further along its time-line. Milk is full of potential, like a nucleating singularity with all the potential of the future in one substance. It is a female, and biological in a way that you feel when you pullyour face tight and detect the smell of the glands at the back of your own nose, it is life giving, hormonal, totally of the body, umbilical. It was enough to utterly confuse me as a child, and still does. Maybe it is all the full nucleating potential in milk that gives it such a strong transference quality of the biological spirit of people? Maybe thats why people like it so much, because by drinking it they hijack other species time-lines and energy-lines.
07 / 05 / 19
Thinking again about how thoughts have a life of their own, and that they are like a form of life. They can have such a hold over the body and spirit, and can cause such a tightness of the chest. How can a thought do that? I realised that action is a good way to harness the negative force of unwanted worry (in its pure form) and turn it in to something quite detached and positive. But not reaction - the action whould be like a side-step away from the problem and past it. Be water. Flow past your obstacles rather than break through them or fight them. Act, dont re-act. How can I do this when it is all in my head anyway? I guess the point is, it is not just in the head, it physically affects the body (chest tightening) and the world around me by the way i interact with it (if the anxiety wins one day and I stay in bed for example) and the people around me.
I sometimes think that anxiety exists totally to create anxiety, like life existing with one single mode to make more life over time. The fear and the individual thoughts are just a sort of foam on the surface that is generated as anxiety reproduces (like on a rough polluted sea). All the energy required for this rough reproduction of anxiety comes from the host of course, and what does the host take back for their trouble? The care and custody of this putrid, living foam in the form of worry and unwanted thoughts. It is like a curse. Like any kind of life, though, there is another way to expend energy, rather than going to war against it, try to funnel it away. Get rid of the extra power in your mind and body so it cannot be hijacked and used by anxiety to create more of the fear in your blood and tightness in your chest - get to the energy before that happens. If you dont allow it to feed, then it will pass on you and create its foam on someone elses time-line. Divert the energy into whatever works for you - make art, go running, read. Think about the problems that affect you and step away towards the light!
06 / 05 / 19
Sometimes I am almost convinced I can hear what people are thinking. Then I have to snap back out of it and remember that it is not a productive path to take. I am sometimes right, but really what good can it do? Those thoughts come about on their own, and do so with such energy that they demand some right to life. In a way, those thoughts, compared to a regular thought, are like a once-ferral cat. They co-exist with you in daily life happily for the most part, will show you a flash of claws and draw blood ocassionally, and always exhibit a strong will to explore and leave. Unwanted thoughts are not totally unwanted, they give some pleasure, some respite from banality, they can be thrilling. But also tiring, especially when you have a few of them howling around your head at the same time.
In nature, always flows are followed - even if they flow right over the edge of a cliff. Ways of harnessing and using the power of such energy, potatoes, a gathering of wealth at a point of energy-transfer, crystals, reflecting and refractinbg that power, the scribble of those pathways as they move through dimensions and time, a simple multidimensional understanding of a focussing of energy at a point of change, harnessed like a whirlpool in water.
05 / 05 / 19
Thinking again about the therapy. How can you look down a list of words that make up your own self-image and try to re-write them in your head so they spin around and read backwards? How do you turn an austerity of the spirit into something creative and rich? That way of looking at things is like dipping into another dimension. Hold your breath, grit your teeth and put your arm all the way in. What do you get when you pull your hand back out? Something from an exersize like that will naturally be multifaceted - an object that glows differently depending on which way it refracts the light. Whatever it is, it will lose its shine quickly -recently plucked from the water, it sparkled like a precious stone, but the longer you handle and admire it, the less it shines. Then what am I looking at? Just one side of a truly multi-dimensional object, and one snapshot of a person and an object in perpetual flux.
Some work for the day:
04 / 05 / 19
I was thinking about how to change the way I look at the world. I realised that if you change the way you look at the world, then the wolrd you are looking at actually changes.
It made me think of a conversation I had a while back about seeing things beyond or underneath the social structures and behaviour which we are born into, and some would say, shackkled by. How practical isit to break free, to leave those structures? Is it actuakly possible?, - The family unit, gender, school, work, prison, the way we communicate, language, electri? If you leave, where do you go? Just into more structures maybe, no less restrictive, still governed by rules - just a smaller group or commune, be a part of something once you leave another thing. Always leaving with a bitter glare back to the others. Unplug, break from gender, meat eating, milk drinking, intensive farming, unfair trading, policing, educating, politics - cut yourself away from those things and fall straight into another trap - plug into a new group, huddled together to keep the wind away, still on the grid when necessary, still bringing in the bacon in one way or another. Easier to just stay still and deal with it head-on, either that or queue up and follow the throngs over the edge, but don&t mistake a £2 fair-ground ride for anything remotely like facing the precipice.
03 / 05 /19
Thinking about black holes today, after reaching escape velocity from my one yesterday. felt good to get close to it without going fully in, scooping up some of its power just before the point of no return and then escaping, laughing out loud- drinking in the thrill of that gravity that couldn't drag me in that time. Therapy for anxiety started and maybe I am running on some kind of excitement, but just preliminary discussions with therapist seemed to have helped a lot.
I got lost in a fantasy today that I was back in 2007 taking a different route doing what I was going to do if I didn't do what I did. I dug out one of my old hard disks and made it work by firing up an old mac computer I have here. My work was all about black holes, the stuff that drives us and puts us in line, societies, structures, things and nothing, dreams, creatures. Looking at them now, from the future of that past, they are throbbing like magic runes that are beckoning me back there to try again and they have a power to connect me back there, and maybe even send me back. I was looking through that hard drive and realised that if I could do it all over again and go back there, I would. Its something I would like to do.
02 / 05 / 19
I just came out of a black hole! Such a good feeling to make a little progress. It makes sense to put stuff down in writing in front of yourself and read it back - those unwanted thoughts all have a voice that is dying to be heard, so rather than try to supress it * then you are the only one hearing the sounds under the trap-door) let the thoughts have a voice! scream it out at the top of your lungs, or play it thropugh an instrument, or make it in artwork. Even writing those thoughts down on a piece of paper will distill some of their energy away and you wont be haunted by the sounds of them howling as they circle in the back of your head. look at them, listen to them, and try to turn them into something positive or something that has momentum to move you forward and out and away, because look at it like this, if you have all that unpleasantness burning away inside, and you cannot put it out with water, then channel it for good use. It is like your own plutonium reactor, with the right care and control, that dark secret at the heart of the bunker in the corn field can be channeled into at least something practical.
People are a part of the world around them, and visa versa. A body is a group of things that processes or interacts with the world in a number of ways - its energy to hold itself together *its bonds, are powered by the fuel it gets from the outside world. Some things strengthen the bonds, and nourish the body, help it to stay together as a body - food, music, compatible thoughts, compatible people. Other things break the bonds and the body falls apart, these would be poisons, unhealthy activity, selfdestructive thoughts, incompatible people. It really comes down to what we are plugged into. rip away at the teathers that connect you to things that pull your body and souls to pieces - do what ever you can to cut the lines - scratch at them with your nails or bite them with your teeth if you have to. Whatever bloody mess is left will be short-lived and a precurser to a healthier body..
28 / 04 / 19
things are jumping out of my mind and projecting themselves onto the world and visa versa. The footage I took of the pylon, the seeds and the mouse on the underground the energy of what they are, and their interactions in the world distilled into one video - its like untying them from their places in the world and using a copy of their energy
27 / 04 / 19
These are quite personal but it was a good process in my head to work through them. People can deeply affect others by how they behave towards them. I am over-sensitive to how I think others feel - it sometimes gets me confused and I get into awkward situations, although possibly I am the only one who feels awkward. Sometimes I wish I could let go of that mind-reading sensitive side and just have deep confidence in social situations. The ammount of times I have started talking, or started doing something purely because of irrational anxiety. It would be a lot easier if I wasn`t always judging myself. Making crystal drawings has become a good therapy for me for the time being.
15 / 04 / 19
I kicked an old tic - it was a very private action which I kept a secret for a long time, but one day I thought to myself "I can live without forcing myself to do this tick so often" And I am happy to say I havent done the tic in almost two weeks now. Maybe that freed up some energy. Making maps of interations between people and the physical act of drawing a containment field around them, like a block of ice or diamond makes me feel good. Its like taking all your obsessive thoughts and feelings and breaking free of the thought-loop by encasing them deeply in crystal so you can look at them from a new angle from a safe distance.